gaslighter

This has certainly been a year of gaslighting.

Four years of a narcissistic leader means four years of being told that what we see shouldn’t be believed. It means that blame has been placed everywhere, on everyone, except on the person who is to blame.

And obviously lots of lies.

And denial.

And bullying.

And evasion and twisting words and defending indefensible behavior and yelling and projection and criticism and confusion and division.

Expecting special treatment, which only goes one way, except to those who bow to the gaslighter.

And nary a concern for anyone else.

Oh, did I mention playing victim?

But, this is not a political rant. Not today; the day after hope has been restored for our nation; the day that we can all breathe a sigh of relief to be out of the abusive relationship.

I can’t tell you how many times I have said to myself, my friends, my mother, “This feels exactly like living with my ex.”

Here’s the thing, there is a gift of having lived with my ex for oh so long and then being under the dark cloud of a narcissistic leader:

I can spot it a mile away.

And better yet, I can walk away from it rather than get sucked into the whirlwind of deceit and confusion that leaves a recipient lost and questioning herself.

The sad thing about it is seeing just how many people in this world are gaslighters.

I have had a few experiences this last year that, in the past, would have left me reeling; questioning my every word, every action, every thought.

I spent 20 years doing that. I spent what has felt like 50 years undoing that.

I’m not 100% cured. After a couple of these run-ins, I have wasted spent more time than I should rehashing the interactions. But, as I rehash, I always come to the same conclusion…

“That was bullshit.”

And I walk away.

“I thought you loved me for who I am,” leads to immediate reassurances that I do love you for who you are, that quickly turn into the reality of, actually, I don’t.

Because your behavior sucks.

Because you’re fucking gaslighting me.

“You don’t appreciate all that I do.” Oh yes, I do, and thank you thank you thank you.

But wait, you haven’t done shit, so never mind.

Having had so much experience with super-narcs has given me a leg up when dealing with what I consider to be amateur narcs.

When an encounter feels a bit hinky, I ask myself, “Can I hear these words coming out of X’s mouth? Out of our President’s mouth?”

If the answer is yes, then my answer is no.

I walk away. I walk away like I wish I’d been able to during all of those long years of mental undermining and self doubt.

I am proud of myself for being able to set boundaries. I give myself a pat on the ass each time I say, “Enough.”

I’ve cut off a few friendships this year; friendships that go way back, running the risk of losing other connected relationships. It is painful to do, but knowing that the twisting of my reality will stop is worth any other pain.

Sometimes, it’s not difficult at all; the relief is so great, so relieving, that I don’t give the relationship a second thought except to say, “Whew, dodged a bullet there.”

And that brings peace that is far greater than any loss.

And just like I have worked so very hard to no longer succumb to fucked up, detrimental, confusing, abusive behavior, our country has decided to also set a boundary.

We have decided as a collective that enough is enough.

We’ve said, “That was bullshit.”

America, give yourself a pat on the ass.

my blood is boiling

“This is a time to unite and heal. This is a time to come together as a country. Therefore, we should move forward and put this behind us.”

Don’t invoke the 25th Amendment – that would be divisive

Don’t impeach – that would be divisive

Voting to overturn an election is definitely unifying

I’m not going to wear a mask when I am in lock down with my fellow law-makers

That’s not divisive at all

I’m not going to give up my gun or even walk through a fucking metal detector in a place where innocent people were just attacked

Because my gun-toting rights come before the safety of my peers and every other person in this building

That’s not divisive either

How DARE they hide behind our message of unity and healing to avoid accountability.

Do NOT talk to me about how to create unity

Fuck you

my closet

most recent addition to my quarantine wardrobe…

maternity clothes

nope. not pregnant

just really comfortable

Why this is racism 101

Someone said today, “Yes, this is horrible, but people are saying it was a racial thing and I’m not sure I’m buying that.”

I’ll spell it out:

Yesterday’s attack was not directly racially motivated like, say, kneeling on a black man’s neck. The focus was instead, aimed at our country as a whole.

But the people who carried out this insurgence were predominantly white; as we all could see since no one had on a mask. Many are members of white supremacy groups who fly confederate flags and threaten BLM supporters. They carry Kek flags and have KKK tattoos on their grossly soft midsections that they somehow feel we need to see.

They support and are supported by a man who has proven repeatedly that he himself, is a white supremacist, a racist.

And a lot of other things too, but we are sticking to one topic here.

So if you look at the bigger picture, keeping their person in the position of power allows those rioters to maintain their positions of power as white men.

That was certainly behind yesterday’s attack.

But the most blatant and frightening display of discrimination was in the response. No one can seriously deny that if that crowd had been full of dark skin, it would have looked very different.

More violent. More deadly. More horrific.

So think about it: either systemic racism really is a thing, or the cops were in on it.

Or both.

dream come true

The four simple words that I have always dreamt of hearing from a man, a partner, a lover:

“Let’s go to Utah”

Swoon

coincidence or am I being targeted

First I post this:

Study links some forms of spiritual training to narcissism and “spiritual superiority”

Next day, I get a facebook friend request for this:

(Person) spent 3 years at The University of Spiritual Healing and Sufism (sufiuniversity.org) developing her Healing Skills and Psychic Abilities.  She has since gone on to deeply study various energetic Healing Practices in a variety of modalities and with a wide range of teachers.  She has explored Shamanic Healing, Angelic Channeling, Psychic Studies with the Berkeley Psychic Institute, and reading The Akashic Records.  She currently studies and practices Divine Light Transmission with William Lewis (williamlewishealer.com).  She now uses the panoply of healing skills she’s gained to serve her private and group healing clients, as she is directed to do so by the client’s system, and the Divine itself.

(Person) is thrilled and excited to support you in developing yourself and your work and hopes to meet you soon!

WTF?