In scrolling through some of my old posts on my old blog, I found the following post, dated 7.17.2019 – right after my uterus fell out and my father died.
The thing is, I am still struggling with this issue. Same man. Same good, gentle soul. Still wants to show up for me. I still want to push him away.
Oh the struggles. Growth is painful. Growth is slooooooooooooow.
His patience is infinite.
leaning in and leaning on
“lean into this…it’s safe”
“lean on me, let me be the guy that shows up for you”
oh holy mother of god, have there ever been any scarier words spoken?
there is nothing I want more than to have the support of someone I love; a partner in the true sense of the word
but when it’s offered up, all I can think is that things are so much easier to tackle on my own because then I’m not counting on anyone else and I won’t be let down, disappointed
I have a history of thinking I’ve found that person who is willing to walk through the fire with me, a person who will be there with a handkerchief in hand and a big ole shoulder where I can lay my head
through thick and thin
in sickness and in health
my ability to discern between all-talk and the real deal has been super faulty
so when it is offered again, the truth, plain and simple, is that I don’t trust it
I don’t believe it to be real
I don’t believe in the other person
when my world imploded two years ago, I learned more than I ever wish I had to about fair-weather friends; about people who bail when the shit hits
I was devastated and disillusioned
a friend said, you don’t trust anyone…and I don’t fucking blame you
I also learned about what it means to have true blue dyed-in-the-wool friends
some friends, near and far, kept showing up – either on my doorstep or on the phone or even just on facebook – letting me know that yes, there are people who are the real deal
but that’s a whole different bag than a man with whom I am in a relationship
at this age, with this life experience, a woman like me gets to the point of saying, you never know if you can trust a man, but you know you can always count on your friends
so how does a woman like me ever trust a man (partner) again?
how does a woman like me lean into a relationship and allow that man to support her?
and, how does a woman like me protect herself without hurting the person (man) who is trying to be the good guy, the guy who shows up, the guy who actually wants to be the shoulder, and who isn’t the guy who bails when the going gets rough?
because right now, the going is really fucking rough