I have found that the longer I live in this tranquil little canyon, the edgier I am becoming when I have to go to town and be around people. I can feel it as soon as I hit the stoplight at the mouth of the canyon and turn north towards civilization.
I immediately begin to calculate how long it will be before I will return home. I begin to move things off the day’s to-do list so I can head back west sooner.
Part of the resistance to joining the world stems from what is here, at my home. I have peace and solitude and beauty and quiet and dark nights and calm and birds. Why would I want to leave here, ever?
And part of the resistance is due to what’s out there, in civilization.
Noise, lights, exhaust smoke, crabby people in masks, angry people without them, a virus.
The Saturday morning Trump Parade that I always forget about until I get stuck in between confederate flags on 666. That really fucks up my day.
And then another thing that I don’t see coming that happens all too frequently, like this morning…
I’m on my way to a meeting and I stop at the coffee shop. Park. Open door. Walk 10 steps and,
“Hi HDD. How are you? I heard that (MXB)…”
2 1/2 seconds later, someone else asks me about him also.
It’s been three years. I am totally in love with an incredible man. I have a new job. A new home. A new life. Three kids. A dog.
ASK ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING.
For Fuck’s sake. I don’t want to talk about him, Why would you even bring it up?
There’s the fact that it’s been three years and we’ve both moved on. There is also the fact that his name doesn’t bring up fond memories. It’s quite painful, actually.
I spend the rest of the day irritated that people felt the need to bring up his name to me. I’m completely baffled about why anyone would think it’s a welcome topic. And, I’m totally on edge because I’m all triggered and reliving shitty times.
In the midst of this I realize that I was suffocating in town. When I told myself that It was so far in the past that no one was even thinking about it anymore, I was wrong. People still connect us – obviously.
I don’t want to continue being “HDD that used to go out with MXB.” And I think I knew instinctively that I’d never be able to shed that identity if I were to continue leading the life that I was leading when our lives were intertwined.
I had to unravel all of it.
As I drive west, back towards my refuge, the pissiness begins to wear off. I shed the angst and take in lungfuls of air. I’m thrilled to be distancing myself. Overjoyed that I made the choice to fly the coop.
One thought on “growing up”
I may be the only one who doesn’t know MXB’s real name, and I’m happy about that. I do know TAM’s real name, and I’m even happier about that! I will never ask you about the first but I may inquire how TAM is doing. Hope you’re both doing well!