musings on the ex

MXB is leaving town.

Something I wanted him to do years ago to make my life easier, but now that it irrelevant to me, it’s happening.

I know very few details of why he is going – it doesn’t matter – but it’s a planned move, not spontaneous or hurried.

So he has plenty of time to tie up loose ends.

I have no interest in speculating on his decisions, his current life choices, reasoning, the company he’s keeping, or anything along those lines. His choices do not concern me and I know that my opinion does not concern him.

But, what does hold my interest is this:

We never had a breakup talk. He moved out without telling me. He moved on regardless of me. There were very serious issues that were never addressed. There was significant information that came out after we broke up that should have come out during our relationship that I asked him about and he never answered.

In other words, no closure.

Believe me, I tried. Over and over – to the point of deep humiliation. I stopped trying out of self-preservation. I didn’t want to lose any more of my dignity.

I know no one gets the closure that they really need, but I got nothing. And with all  that has come to me about him, about us, since the breakup, I deserve for him to look me in the eye and at least provide some explanation.

Some answers.

Maybe a tad bit of respect.

I won’t hold out hope for an apology.

Obviously, it still pains me or I wouldn’t be bringing it up today.

I know that if I were in his shoes and about to leave town, maybe for good, I would want to clean up any messes before I went. I also know that if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to move on in any healthy way – in a relationship, in life – if I had blown through my world like a tornado, causing destruction and pain – without trying to make amends…

Especially to someone with whom I had shared my life and whose children I had helped raise.

Maybe I sound like a bitter old hag who can’t let go and should. I have moved on. My life is incredible and a huge piece of that is because I struggled through the pain and loss and agony and isolation and loneliness and rejection and grief and anger,  and I dealt with my shit because…

I was so broken I had no choice but to deal.

So I am not bitter. Not pining. Not missing him.

But almost 4 years later I am still grieving. I continue to want him to tell me that I didn’t deserve what he did. That my family didn’t deserve it.

Judge me for caring if you want. Ridicule me for wanting anything from him. Yes, it’s been four years – get over it HDD.

But no. After 7 years of deeply loving this man and allowing him into my family, I deserve at least a nod in the direction of our relationship.

From where I sit, he could care less. He’s made no effort to prove me wrong on that one.

A year, or two, or three, ago, I would have been embarrassed to admit that I still want something from him, from the breakup. But now, I am strong enough to 1) not feel any shame and 2) know that I fucking deserve better than radio silence.

So the question is, will he have the courage and/or integrity, to finally say something, anything (?) to me, about us?

Or will I continue to question if he ever, for even a minute, cared about me and my family?

My bet, after almost 4 silent years, that he will slide right on out the door without a peep.

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