May 20, 2020

I look at the date on my phone and think, “Hmmmm May 20th, that’s a thing, right?”

Oh yeah…

Today would be my 25th wedding anniversary.

Twenty-five years ago I made one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life.

I knew it. I stood in my parents’ room, in white, thinking, “What the fuck am I about to do?”

And, “Too late now – you can’t back out with everyone standing out there waiting for a wedding.”

So down the aisle I walked.

I grew up with a gal who, when walking down the aisle for her first wedding, thought to herself, “This is wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this.”

And a couple of years later she embraced the fact that she was a lesbian, divorced her husband, and eventually met a woman with whom she has created a beautiful family, thus validating her initial gut instinct on the day of her hetero-nuptuals.

So when I had that feeling on May 20, 1995, I thought, “Am I doing the same thing?”

“Nah. I’m not a lesbian. Must just be the jitters.”

I may not be gay, but my guts were screaming at me just the same.

May 20 was my friend’s son’s due date, but he was born on the 26th.

May 20th is another friends’ son’s birthday.

May 20th, 2009 was the day that my husband of 14 years told me that he no longer loved me…after we had bad anniversary sex…

that ended up with me being pregnant…

and him telling me, “Don’t think I’ll stick around just because you’re having another baby.”

Fortunately (heartbreakingly) that baby chose to not stick around.

May 20th, 2010 saw me in group divorce court (because that’s how they do it here) with two of my closest friends whose soon to be ex-husbands sat across the courtroom with my soon to be ex.

It’s a day, a date, that brings forth many memories. Not all bad. For example, there were so many years that he wasn’t home for our anniversary because of work.

Those were some fantastic May 20th’s.

And there was May 20th, 2011, when I woke up, saw the calendar, and said aloud, “THANK FUCKING GOD I’M NOT MARRIED ANY MORE.”

On this pseudo-momentous day, I take pause to consider all things connected with the end of May. I see how much I have grown. I see that my life has become so much better. More full.

I appreciate that I am no longer in an abusive relationship.

I have peace about my choices 25 years ago – a state of mind that I have worked hard to achieve. I have forgiven that young starry-eyed gal who fell for the bigger-than-life mountaineer.

I have come to understand my choices then, my choices since then, and my choices now. I see and appreciate how the decisions I made then brought me to where I am in this exact moment, and I can’t help but be grateful.

Grateful that I am here.

And most importantly, if I had not made poor choices 25 years ago, I would not have my amazing sons.

So no matter how bad it all was, I got them. Which makes it all worthwhile.

So today I will celebrate my life. My boys. My joy.

Happy Anniversary to me.


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